Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space – The special place in my home is my bedroom. We have several different places within my home that recognize Emilia, but this bedroom wall is extra special. When Emilia died her nursery was already finished. Her crib was ready, the closet stocked with clothes, all of her nursery wall decorations were carefully placed… we were just waiting for her and her safe arrival. When Emilia was born and when we came home without her, I refused to tear down her nursery and put everything in a box in storage. It didn’t feel right. I wanted to wake up every morning and see her things each day, just like I would see Adelaide’s decorations in her room. So we did just that. Literally the week we got home, we moved all of the nursery decorations to our bedroom and created the arrangement you see in the photo above. My wall is still not complete. We are waiting for a framed birth announcement and even then I am sure that, throughout the years, I will continue to add to the wall.
Day 22. Place of Care/Birth – Both of our daughters were born at North Kansas City Hospital in the Northland of Kansas City, Missouri. I cannot say enough about this hospital and the care they provide for their patients. We had a wonderful experience at NKCH during the birth of our oldest daughter, Adelaide. But NKCH and their maternity staff managed to top our previous experience during the birth of Emilia. That really says a lot when your experience at a hospital is revolved around tragic circumstances. North Kansas City Hospital, thank you to your wonderful staff and the care you provide. We are forever grateful for everything we were given during the birth and passing of Emilia. Even after we were released from your care, you continue to recognize Emilia’s life and provide comfort and support for our family.
Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo – Meet my Emilia! This is the first time we have ever posted a photo of her for everyone to see. We learned very quickly how cruel people’s words can sting. Unfortunately, sometimes it comes from the lips of people you considered yourselves to be very close to. I have been so cautious these last seven months as to what I post and what I say. I’ve only shown photos of Emilia to close family and friends who have asked to see her. I’ve constantly told myself and others that I will continue to remind the world of my daughter and how incredibly special she is, but I was doing no favors by not sharing her beautiful face with the world. So I am taking a leap, not caring what other people think or say, and I am sharing her photo for everyone to see. Emilia will always be beautiful in my eyes. I am so incredibly lucky! To quote from Steel Magnolias, “I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.” You were worth every single moment, Emilia, and I would not trade having you for anything! I will love you till I give my last breath!
Day 24. Siblings – Meet Adelaide, Emilia’s Big Sister! Words cannot begin to express how excited Adelaide was to be a big sister. She was ecstatic and would have done such a great job teaching Emilia the ropes and doing what big sisters do. Her role as big sister didn’t stop the day Emilia died. Adelaide is still a big sister, just in a different way. Adelaide was 3.5 years old when Emilia was born/died. It breaks my heart knowing that as she grows up, she will more than likely have zero memories of her baby sister. Either way, I am grateful for the memories and few photos I have of my two girls together and I will make sure that Adelaide forever knows that she has a little sister in Heaven. For now, I relish in the memories that Adelaide still has of her sister. She still remembers. She knows that Emilia is her little sister, that Emilia is in Heaven, She can point Emilia out in photos, and she is aware of all the sentimental objects we have that represent her. For the longest time she associated our hospital with Emilia and anytime she sees an Angel baby statue, she calls it baby sister. Adelaide and Emilia have such a special bond. No amount of time or distance will ever separate them.
Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing – Emilia never got her baby sprinkle. A sprinkle is a smaller shower for subsequent pregnancies. My close friends here in KC actually started planning for it the afternoon before we found out Emilia had died. It kind of relieves me that I didn’t have a bunch of gifts to come home to that would never be used. Although aside from not having a diaper stockpile, we were all ready for Miss Emilia’s arrival. Her nursery was finished, her closet was stocked with all her clothes…. Containing size newborn all the way to 12-month clothes. Coming home after being in the hospital and seeing all of the different baby items around the house didn’t bother me. In fact, it was oddly comforting. They were reminders that Emilia happened. I didn’t and don’t ever want to go a day pretending that she never came into my life and seeing small reminders like that reminded me of just that. I’d be lying if I said looking into her closet and seeing all of the clothes meant for her (that she never got to wear) really doesn’t bother me. It tugs at my heart. My baby should be here. She should be laughing, learning how to scoot, and playing with her silly big sister; but instead, I have to settle for her learning how to do all of that without me in Heaven.
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