Day 26. Their Age – At the time Emilia died, I was 33 weeks pregnant. She was to be born a week early via a scheduled cesarean section, so we only had 6 more weeks till she was due to arrive. Today, Emilia would be 7 months old. I keep thinking about all of the different things she would just be learning how to do. By now she would be smiling and giggling while her big sister made silly faces at her. She would just be sitting up on her own and learning how to scoot around. We would be exploring new foods and learning what her likes and dislikes were. We would be preparing her for her very FIRST Halloween. In case you were wondering, she would have been dressed up as a ‘berry’ sweet Strawberry! In a corner of my mind, all of the what-ifs circulate around in my head. I will always wonder who Emilia would have been and how different my life would be if she were still here.
Day 27. Artwork – We have tons of artwork that remind us of Emilia, but this one is perhaps one of my favorites. Feathers and Angel wings are very special to me. They remind me of Emilia and when I saw these pair of wooden Angel wings at Michaels, I knew I had to have them. The aquamarine dots represent Emilia’s birth month of March, as aquamarine is her birthstone. The purple peony that conjoins both wings is one of the flowers from my wedding bouquet arrangement. It is extra special as it is purple which was the color scheme of Emilia’s nursery. The quote displayed on the wall above the wings is 100% true. I want everyone who walks through my doors to know that another little girl lives within the walls of my home. Physically she may not be here, but spiritually she still exists and always will. This piece hangs in our kitchen where we can see it every day.
Day 28. Memory – A significant memory that sticks out to me is the day I started attending church at Northland Cathedral. The 10:45 service I attend is contemporary. They have a live band that performs for the first 20 minutes of every service. For the first several weeks after Emilia died, the band had me weeping every time they played. The music was so powerful and in one way or another, I could relate to the lyrics that were being sung. I didn’t attend Northland Cathedral before I lost Emilia, but I wish I had. I have met a community of people who have shown that they truly care. They encourage you to share your strengths and your weaknesses and when you hit rock bottom they are there to pray and encourage you. I have met so many people in the last few months. People who don’t just sit back and watch my life unfold and crumble. They actually care about me. One thing we all need in life is a community – a supportive and caring community – and I am so glad I found mine.
Day 29. Music – There are so many pieces of music that remind me of Emilia and for that reason, I could not just narrow it down to one. “Gone Too Soon” by Daughtry. I don’t think it is really necessary for me to describe why this song is so special to me. Just listen to the lyrics and you will understand why. It is almost as if Chris Daughtry was thinking of me when he wrote this song. He knows all the pain and sorrow in my soul and he wished to capture and express them within his lyrics. Let me add, he did it flawlessly. If there is a song that could perfectly describe infant loss for me, “Gone Too Soon” is it. “Rainbow” by Sia. It really doesn’t matter what song I chose by Sia, anytime I hear a song by her I think of Emilia. Emilia loved Sia! Every time we played Sia, she would kick and squirm and go crazy. Since Emilia has passed, Dan and I have found handfuls of songs by Sia that are incredibly uplifting for us. They perfectly represent what we are feeling. “Rainbow” was a song we came across while watching the newest “My Little Pony” movie (our daughter Adelaide’s newest obsession). The lyrics seemed so appropriate. It felt like the song was being sent down from Emilia herself… telling us that she sees and feels our pain, but through that pain, she is watching beautiful things being unfurled. That she is proud of us and that good days are coming and they are coming soon. If you get the chance, please watch both attached videos.
Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World – Emilia Madeleine Rose Clough – Through a little girl who never spoke one word or took one breath, God is speaking how precious each LIFE is. Emilia danced into my heart and has left me changed forever. She will always be loved and missed. Please remember her with me. I will carry my daughter of Heaven with me until we meet again in eternity. And when my life on earth has ended, please remind the world that my daughter existed.
Day 31. Sunset – “In parting splendor, you melt the sorrows of the day. In only a few moments, in your parting display, you mend the brokenness, and I know I’ll be okay.” ~Sarah Elle Emm.