11. BELIEFS | I grew up in a household where we believed in God. Throughout some of my youth, I was going to church pretty regularly with my mom. But our attendance eventually fizzled out and we weren’t active within the church for well over a decade. Years passed, I moved away from my hometown, got married, moved a little further away, got pregnant, and gave birth to my firstborn daughter, Adelaide. Throughout this time, I never really searched for a relationship with God and I had my fair share of doubts on whether I believed He was real or not. I suspect this is a question many Christians ask themselves at least once. I contribute a large percentage of my doubts to never really feeling God’s presence in my life. I thought that if surely there was a God, He would have sought out a deeper connection with me and that I would without question know Him and His love. Then Emilia came into my life and everything changed. She died and for a moment, that bit of doubt lit up like a firecracker. For a couple of weeks, I grew incredibly angry with God. “Why would he do this to me? Why would he do this to Emilia?” …These were all great questions I was asking myself. I knew in my heart though, that no good God would purposely do this to anyone. I tried to think logically and I came to the conclusion that “if our loving God wouldn’t choose this, yet at the same time He wouldn’t stop this, then there really must not be a God or maybe he wasn’t as loving or as good as we make him out to be.” I wrestled with this unknown for quite a while, until I finally felt God’s presence within my life. God came to me on a night when I was really struggling with my grief. I was a hot mess… I was depressed, angry, felt defective, and alone. Nobody seemed to understand my pain and even worse, I felt as though Emilia was being forgotten by everyone except for me. I reached out to God in a moment of prayer and I begged him to kill me. I so badly wanted an escape from all the pain and hurt that had bounded itself tightly around me and I wanted nothing more than to just die. God didn’t audibly answer me that night, but he did wrap his arms around me. He took a hold of me on that lonely, anger-filled night and He showed me His love and His grace. I can’t tell you exactly what He did to save me that night, but I can tell you He saved me in several different ways. I don’t think I would have been able to survive the last 3.5 years without knowing God. I know in my heart and soul what lies in store for me after my life here on earth ends. I know that Emilia is in Heaven and one day I will join her. I know now that there is no good reason why Emilia died. It wasn’t a punishment or a means for me to learn a life lesson. The horrible truth about life is that terrible things will happen in this world for no good reason at all. God didn’t choose for Emilia to die and I personally believe he couldn’t keep her from dying either. I know that our God is a good God and that when I walk through the dark valley, I am never truly alone. His presence may not always be noticed, but when we truly need Him, He is there.
12. TRANSFORMATION | I have definitely changed since Emilia died. I have become more empathetic to the hardships that people are going through. I would like to think I am more compassionate because of my experiences and that I am more willing to reach out to others to help when I noticed they are going through rough patches. I’m also no longer naive. I understand that life can be pretty wonderful! The ability to draw breath, hear magnificent music, see magical places, be surrounded by beautiful souls, and just do life is an extraordinary gift. But I also know life can turn sour rather quickly. I know that no one is immune to life’s hardships. Sadly, we will all experience great grief at one point or another in our lives. It’s not a question of if, but when and for most, grief will strike more than once. I sound like such a Debbie-Downer, but it is true. So yes, my life has been transformed by grief. My eyes have been opened and I have seen both the really good and really bad realities of living. My loss and my experiences have both broken me, but among the wreckage, beauty can also be found.
13. FAMILY PORTRAIT | This is my family! This photo was taken this past spring on Easter Sunday. At first glance, it appears there are just four of us. But if you look reaaaal closely, you’ll see that we have a fifth member in our family. In all of our family photos, we make sure to have near us a little stuffed teddy bear. This bear is called our Emilia bear, a representative of our daughter, Emilia, who passed away. Our Emilia Bear weighs 4 pounds and 3 ounces. She weighs the exact same weight as Emilia did at the time of her birth. If Emilia had lived, there would be no reason to have an Emilia bear. Instead, in this photo, we would have had a sweet, little three-year-old girl. She would be smiling right next to her sisters as the three of them enjoyed all of the goodies in their Easter baskets. Holidays can be difficult as your heart wanders to all the memories that should’ve been made. We have learned throughout the years how to incorporate Emilia into new holiday traditions. Improvising our holidays to include Emilia in some small way is the next best thing to having her here.
14. SUPPORT CIRCLES | I know I am a bit bias, but Emilia’s Wings has been an extraordinary support network for families. Our nonprofit has used multiple platforms to reach out to communities to provide support for families that need grief resources. Our donated CuddleCots have provided “the gift of time”. Our care packages help comfort the hearts of families as they begin their journey of healing. We have online resources… anything from suggestions of reading materials and music selections to connecting families with other Pregnancy and Infant Loss organizations. Our blog was created to create an atmosphere of belonging. It’s so easy to feel alone and misunderstood. We want to create an atmosphere where others can have their feelings validated. The truth about Emilia’s Wings is that it has does more for me than it has probably done for any of our followers. Emilia’s Wings has carried me through my grief. It has allowed me to pour my heart and soul into something that I am so very passionate about. It has allowed me to sink my love for Emilia into something that is tangible enough to hold. When Emilia died, I bottled up all my love for her. It had no place to go… I am here and she is there in Heaven, untouchable. Have you ever had so much of one emotion and nowhere to place it? No one to give it all to? Creating Emilia’s Wings has given me a place in our world for me to place all of my love for Emilia. 💖
15. WAVE OF LIGHT | Don’t forget to join us tonight at 7 pm (CDT) for our virtual Candlelight Remembrance Ceremony on Zoom. This event will coincide with today’s annual Wave of Light. For more information, you can find details on our Facebook page.
16. REST FROM GRIEF | We are now halfway through October so today, is another Capture Your Grief Free Day. Take today to rest your heart and mind and focus on your breathing.
17. TREASURED | I have many treasured items that remind me of Emilia, but the most recent item added to my Emilia collection has such a sweet story behind it. I mentioned on day #9 how Emilia will occasionally send signs from Heaven. Sometimes these signs feel like they have become few and far between and I have to really pay close attention in order to notice that she is speaking to me. On October 14th, I celebrated my 30th Birthday. Such a big milestone and it fell during the middle of a worldwide pandemic. What a way to enter your 30s!! Jokes aside, it was a fantastic day! My family and friends spoiled me and I really felt loved. What really made the day special was one of my daughter’s close friends. Her family also lives in our neighborhood and they were so thoughtful to drop off a birthday gift. One of the gifts I received was a homemade bracelet made by my daughter’s six-year-old friend. There is nothing special about the bracelet. It’s very much homemade with various shades of aquamarine, purple, and silver beads. If I don’t hold my wrist at a specific angle, it easily slips right off. But for those who know me well, you know that aquamarine and purple are two very special colors for me. Aquamarine is Emilia’s birthstone and purple was the color we used to decorate Emilia’s nursery. I have associated these two colors with Emilia ever since we came home from the hospital. After Emilia died, we would find these colors together everywhere! It wasn’t coincidental! We could find no explanation for all the signs that included aquamarine and purple, other than that it was Emilia saying hello and making sure we were grieving okay. I truly believe Emilia played a role in my birthday bracelet. Emilia was saying “Hello, Mommy! Happy Birthday! I miss and love you!!” I will definitely cherish this bracelet and it will be a constant reminder of her and our bond of love!
18. GRIEF LESSONS | Grief has taught me how to love myself. As I write this down I ask myself, “Really Charmel?” I feel like I am half-way lying to myself. I think self-love is something that is really hard for a lot of us to give ourselves. We are our worse critics, right? I am the first person to rail myself for something I did or didn’t do. I am a perfectionist by heart. I am not complacent with doing just okay or coming in second best. I strive for perfection. When I really care about something, I will give it my all until it is darn right perfect. That is the problem with life. Life isn’t always perfect. You can play by all of the rules, even go the extra mile, and life will still occasionally hand you a deck of really crappy cards. When Emilia died, I felt broken. I felt like life was ruined and that I would never find happiness again. I felt defective, I felt like something was seriously wrong with me. And throughout all of this, I felt very lonely. As time has gone on, I have come to embrace that brokenness. I am “learning” to love all of me, even the less flattering parts. Notice I wrote “learning”, not mastered. I feel like loving yourself is generally something that a person has to continue to strive for. I am learning to love my imperfections, I am learning to love my brokenness, and I am learning to love my grief. You are probably wondering why the hell anyone would try to love their grief. Well, I’ve also learned that grief isn’t something you experience, work through, and then it just goes away. Let me tell ya, I’m more than three years out from Emilia’s death and there are still days where I feel like I am in the thick of it. Grief isn’t just a season. No, grief clings to you, it takes hold, and it stays for the long haul. I learned a while ago that I could either let my grief swallow me or I could befriend it and learn how to live with it woven into my “new normal”. My life will forever be a clumsy dance with grief and joy intertwined. And you know what – I’m okay with that because my brokenness is what also makes me beautiful.
19. WHAT HEALS YOU | I enjoy surrounding myself around other people who have also experienced loss. The things I look forward to each year are the Infant Loss Walks, the Christmas Services, the Bereaved Mother’s Day Tea, etc. I love any and every chance I get to say Emilia’s name out loud publicly. I don’t want to feel like a nuisance or get people’s sympathy, so I really appreciate the moments I can speak her name freely knowing that I won’t be judged. What I’ve found that really heals me is when I know I have made a difference in another person’s life regarding Pregnancy & Infant Loss. I have truly gained so much from Emilia’s Wings. It has helped bring healing to my own heart. If I am being completely candor though, there have been multiple times when Emilia’s Wings feels like it’s drifting away from what I really want it to be. I want to help others, I want to feel like I’m really making a positive difference and there are times when I just don’t feel like that is happening. I have considered calling it quits and closing up shop multiple times. But for whatever reason, no matter how hard I consider it, I can never go through with quitting on Emilia’s Wings. I think deep down it would feel like I was quitting on Emilia too. Each time I get really serious about stopping Emilia’s Wings, I receive positive reinforcement… It’s always just enough to keep me going. But eventually, the spark fades again, and I feel like Emilia’s Wings just isn’t doing enough to make an impact. It is interesting how sometimes the one thing that gives you healing, can also be the one thing that is depleting you. If Emilia’s Wings has ever impacted you and you would like to see our services continued, please reach out! That extra encouragement is always appreciated and it might be the one thing that helps keep me moving forward. It’s not that I need a pat on the back or a golden star, but after a while of feeling like the hard work you are putting forth isn’t being noticed or isn’t making a difference, it does start to make you wonder if it’s worth putting in the effort at all.
20. MUSIC | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCyqhi55O-8&feature=youtu.be – ‘Gone Too Soon’ by Chris Daughtry
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