21. CREATIVE HEART | I’ve made several graphics on my computer that are pregnancy and infant loss related.  Most are geared around Emilia that I have printed off and put in frames throughout our house.  I have designed a few t-shirts and some artwork that I have put up in my kitchen.  It’s just been various things here and there that tie into things that remind us of Emilia or Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

22. LOVE LETTER | Here is the love letter I wrote to Emilia today… Signed, sealed, and just waiting to be delivered.  During our Walk to Remember last week we had a side project that I thought was really creative and unique.  Each registered participant was asked to write a letter to their baby.  After they completed their walk, they were encouraged to burn that letter and blow the ashes upwards to Heaven.  The idea was that their baby would receive and read their letter.  I LOVE this concept because each of us is able to express ourselves.  We are able to open a conversation with our child by writing them a deep and personal letter.  Writing is so often therapeutic during times of loss and grief and it brings out emotions we never knew we were harboring.  Who knows, maybe if we are really paying close attention, we may notice that our babies are responding back and sending us their very own reply.  I also really like this idea, as it is an environmentally-friendly alternative to a balloon release.  I use to love the idea of balloon releases and I have done several in memory of Emilia in the past years.  I love that I can still do something in honor of Emilia that reflects sending something up to Heaven that is also safe and healthy for our Earth.  I decided today that I would hold onto my love letter until Emilia’s 4th Birthday, March 15, 2021.  A new birthday tradition will begin next year by burning this letter and blowing it up to her in Heaven.

23. RETREAT | As we are coming into the last week of October take today to relax and retreat from your grief exploration. Do something that is good for your well being.

24. DEAR WORLD | I want you to know that Emilia existed (she still does, just not physically within our world).  Emilia was here on Earth for 7.5 months before she died.  I think people often forget that.  They just assume that because she never took that first breath outside of my body, that she never lived.  I wish I had taken videos of my belly moving during my pregnancy with her.  My stomach would even jiggle each time she let out a series of hiccups.  I am so thankful for the week-by-week photos we took of my belly growing.  These are all visible and tangible moments that prove that life begins before birth.  A really upsetting moment that sticks out to me was years ago when I was waiting in line to pick up my oldest daughter from preschool.  I have a Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Ribbon magnet placed on the back of my car.  I heard a couple of knocks on my driver’s door window and saw a couple standing beside me.  They had seen my car magnet and proceeded to tell me how they had lost a baby too.  We exchanged stories.  They told me how they had delivered a son around 20-24 weeks gestation.  He lived for a couple of days and then died.  It was such an uplifting moment! Getting the opportunity to speak with other families who experience similar journeys is an instant unique connection.  It’s a rare opportunity where you feel you can speak about your child with zero judgment.  However, that sweet moment turned sour rather quickly.  The mother began to tell me she was envious of me.  She thought that if her son hadn’t lived and had been stillborn like Emilia that perhaps her grief would have been easier to bear.  Ouch! That statement stung… I felt hurt, I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt alone.  This entire time I had thought this couple understood me.  I thought only non-loss families were the ones who said stupid things.  I never thought another mother who experienced loss would say directly to my face that her loss was more significant than mine because her child was born alive.  Dear world, STOP COMPARING LOSSES.  It’s dismissive and it is hurtful! We begin bonding with our children the moment we find out we are pregnant and the death of a child (no matter the age) is life-changing.  I don’t care if your loss occurred at 6-weeks, 33-weeks, days after birth, or if your child lived and died long after infancy.  We all mourn for the child that we love and that should be in our arms.  We all mourn for the milestones and years spent with that child that will sadly never come.

25. SELF CARE | When I was pregnant with Emilia I started walking a little over three miles each day.  It started off as a way to stay fit during pregnancy.  When Emilia died, my walk became special to me.  It was a bonding experience for me to feel closer to her.  I desperately needed an escape from reality and walking was my outlet.  When Emilia died, my husband and I knew right away that we wanted to start trying for another baby soon.  Not that a new baby would replace Emilia or take away the hurt, we just longed to hold a baby in our arms and to give our almost-four-year-old daughter a sibling that she could play and grow up with.  I knew I was on a timeline if I wanted to get my body prepared for another pregnancy so close to my last one.  For this reason, my walks quickly evolved into running 6.5 miles a day.  Running felt good! It sorta numbed me.  I was able to push myself and throttle my anger in what I felt was a healthy way.  To this day, walking and running is a great coping mechanism for me.  It helps me channel my grief, process my thoughts and feelings, and decompress when I need soothing.

26. HEART | My heart looks different than what I think most people would consider the “normal” heart.  It has a huge hole in it.  When Emilia died, a piece of my heart left my body and went to Heaven with her.  It’s never been whole since and it never again will be.  There was a long period of time when I thought my life was completely destroyed.  I thought I would never be happy again.  But the world doesn’t stop when tragedy hits.  Life begrudgingly moves on and eventually you learn how to laugh and smile again.  At first, it happens without you realizing it.  Your thoughts drift and for a split moment, you find temporary humor or joy in the most random things.  First signs of happiness after loss feel like a complete betrayal.  I don’t know about you, but I found comfort in my grief.  As strange as it sounds, yes, I grew complacent in my heartbreak.  To the world, Emilia was gone and it was as if she never existed, but my heartache was one of the few signs left that confirmed her existence.  My grief was in a way keeping her spirit alive and allowing me to feel closer to her.  My suffering had turned into a tangible way for me to measure my love for her.  After all, grief is merely just all of the love we wish to give to our loved ones who have passed away.  “Where there is deep grief, there is love.”  As time passes, I have learned how to better balance grief and joy.  The hole in my heart has not disappeared – it is still there – but my heart has learned how to grow around the huge void.  It really is beautiful to recognize that a broken heart isn’t really broken.  Yes it looks different, yes it may function differently than before, but our hearts are so powerful and so strong that they can carry both the hurt and joy simultaneously.

27. GRIEF RITUALS | Every year on Emilia’s Birthday we visit her garden located at the hospital where she was born.  We donated a statue and a flower vase to their infant loss garden.  The statue is a female angel cradling a baby in her arms and the vase has angel wings wrapping around it.  After visiting the garden and leaving flowers, we head to the Cheesecake Factory for her birthday dinner.  We end the day by going through all of the special items that we either had from her birth or things we have collected throughout the years that remind of us her.  There is a sacredness on certain dates and that is exactly what March 15th is to us… sacred.  Special traditions like these make the day a little extra special to us.

28. MYTHS | Nothing makes grief go away.  Yes, there are things that can be done to make life during tragic moments more bearable, but it never truly goes away – no matter how much time passes.  The first couple of weeks after Emilia’s death we received a tremendous amount of support.  It was hard not to feel loved when everyone is draping you with words of encouragement and strength.  About a month later we noticed a steep drop in support.  I think people’s thought process was “we said our condolences, there is nothing more to say… let’s leave them to grieve and to put this sadness behind them.”  Time passed and on certain dates that year we would receive a little more support than usual… these dates were special holidays like Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day, Christmas, and Emilia’s First Birthday.  After surviving our first year without Emilia, the little encouragement that we were still sometimes receiving further plummeted.  Society definitely has expectations that after a certain amount of time, families should be functioning noticeably better.  Society has subtly told families you have one month to be a complete wreck and then it’s time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it.  After a year, expectations of grieving are simply that you should be over it by now.  Unfortunately, that is simply just not how it works.  On another note, births of subsequent children after the loss of a previous child does not erase the grief – children can not replace other children.  I became pregnant with our third daughter relatively soon after Emilia died.  Roselyn was born almost 17 months after Emilia’s death.  I really got the impression that people assumed that the joy of Roselyn’s birth would overshadow Emilia’s death and counteract all of the grief.  That was far from the truth.  We were happy, we were over the moon to bring home a healthy baby, but it also brought a new set of grief we hadn’t expected.  Holding a healthy baby and experiencing those milestones made us more aware of what we had missed with Emilia.  We were holding a different baby that looked so much like her.  It was really hard not to be happy while also feeling guilt and sadness for what we should have experienced 17 months prior.  We love all three of our daughters equally.  Emilia’s death doesn’t take away any of our love for Adelaide and Roselyn, so why do some people think that Adelaide and Roselyn’s could ever take away any of the love or pain we have for Emilia?

29. RELEASE | It’s hard not to blame myself for Emilia’s death.  I don’t truly believe that it is my fault that she died, but I’m her mother – my #1 job in life is to protect my children and I failed.  I’ll always feel like I failed Emilia.  It is hard not to get wrapped up in all the “what ifs” and “whys”… “if I had gone to the hospital the moment I suspected something was wrong, would she still have been alive and could I have saved her?” … “was it something I ate?” … “did I overexert myself during my workouts?” … “was I not a good enough Christian?”.  The self-doubt is always there in the back of my mind.  I just want to know “WHAT DID I DO WRONG??” I do need to release myself from the self-blame, but it’s not that easy.  I’m sure this is something I will struggle with my entire life.

30. GIFTS IN GRIEF | I really don’t like to imply that any of these things are gifts… the word just sits wrong with me.  I don’t ever want anyone to think that there are silver linings in Pregnancy & Infant Loss, because I would trade all the “gifts” to have Emilia back.  I don’t think of the positivities as a fair trade for Emilia’s death.  I will, however, acknowledge that good can be created among tragedy.  I credit Emilia for making me into a better person.  I think I am more compassionate, more empathetic to situations and others who are around me since she has died.  I’m also very grateful for all the individuals I have met who have also experienced Pregnancy & Infant Loss.  It goes without saying that we would all trade anything to not be in this club, but it is so refreshing to meet others who understand me and my grief.  I really do feel like there are two versions of Charmel.  I can give you the sugar-coated version of me, or I can give you the transparent, raw version of me.  I presume most people want to hear the sugar-coated narration, so that is what I generally roll with.  It’s when I am with other loss families that I can share all of me and not feel criticized.

31. SUNSET RITUAL | If you stayed with me throughout this entire month and read each of my entries, I thank you! I hope my reflections resonated with you and that you were able to connect with it in one way or another.  I am glad that I completed this challenge.  I always find it therapeutic when I write my thoughts and feelings down on paper.  In the past year or two, I have really let the blogging portion of our website take the back seat and I am setting a personal goal to blog more.  I  look forward to next year’s challenge.  Till then, feel free to follow future blog posts of mine.