-DAY 5:  DEAR FIFTEEN

TRUTH:  What do you need to give yourself permission to feel? What hurts are waiting to be seen? The last two months I’ve given myself permission to feel just about every feeling imaginable.  When I am at home or at my local support group or even at church I feel comfortable to let my feelings flow.  I don’t feel like I have to hide my hurt, as I know that each of these locations is a safe place to allow myself permission to feel.  I remember going out into public in just the short few days after Emilia died and no matter how hard I tried to keep it together I just couldn’t.   Sitting in Dairy Queen or walking through Home Depot – I would just silently cry, not really too concerned if somebody was watching me.  The best way to describe it was like walking through those first few weeks in a gloomy daze.  I know a lot of people choose to grieve silently behind closed doors (and that is me too) but I have also found that I yearn for an open grieving process too.  Holding my emotions in can be so toxic and suffocating.  I have realized that death is such a taboo subject in our society, even more so when a child is involved.  Nobody wants to discuss it and the conversation is almost always actively avoided.  I don’t think my hurts are waiting to be publicly surfaced because of hesitation on my part, but because so many people don’t want to address this chapter in my life.  I think one thing that is important to realize is that Emilia and her death is not just a chapter in my life, it is my whole life.  Emilia and her death have molded me into a different person in a great way.  And although she is not physically here in the flesh, her existence will live with me forever.  I refuse to live each and every day like she never happened.  So address her death, mention her name, ask me personal questions… it will make my day! I’d be lying if I said that I might not cry, but any tears shed for my Emilia are gladly welcomed.  “When a baby is born, it’s a mother’s instinct to protect the baby.  When a baby dies, it’s the mother’s instinct to protect their memory.”  05/21/2017

DARE:  Sit in the dark alone for 30 minutes tonight.

DAY 6:  CREATING A LEGACY

TRUTH:  What do you wish your partner knew, but you’ve never quite had the courage to share because it is too embarrassing or too vulnerable? Say it out loud to him today.  Dan and I literally know everything about one another.  Our relationship has always been a very open book, based on loyalty and trust.  However, I think if there was anything that I needed to communicate better with him it would be that sometimes I bottle things up when I need help the most.  I have an extremely hard time asking favors from people.  I’d rather not be another person’s burden, so I will try my hardest to do things on my own or I will keep my struggles to myself.  In real life, I’m not always put-together as much as I let on.  I have insecurities and I will struggle alone with my uncertainties rather than ask for help from loved ones.  My journey through the loss of Emilia has only exacerbated my vulnerabilities.  I have kept a lot of my struggles to myself and have publicly downplayed the pain I am experiencing each and every day.  Writing in this blog has been extremely therapeutic as it has forced me to exit my bubble and share my burdens with anyone who is willing to read my story.  05/22/2017

DARE:  Get frisky with your husband somewhere new.  Surprise him with an amorous overture when (and where!) he least expects it.

-DAY 7:  BIRTHING SOMETHING NEW

TRUTH:  What is something that is being birthed in you right now? Share with a friend what new things are coming to life in your soul.  Emilia’s Wings is being birthed right this very moment.  Aside from my children, this nonprofit is my greatest creation.  It is all of my hopes and dreams for what I wish to come.  I have never felt more passionate about a cause than what I do right now for pregnancy and infant loss.  I do not know if God has a bigger plan for all of us… for the most part, I think that is a pretty naive thought process.  The idea that God controls every aspect of our lives and that we are simply one of his many chess pieces in his game of life is a bit more than I think I believe.  But I do believe I have found a bigger purpose to my life than to simply breathe air and birth my children into this world.  I want to be there for families living similar situations that our family has experienced.  I want to provide them with a comfort that they more than likely won’t receive otherwise because unfortunately our communities just don’t understand this kind of loss and some don’t even consider it a true loss.  This prompt is by no means a platform for me to point fingers.  I definitely fell into that said category before Emilia died.  It’s one of those situations that a person doesn’t know how to approach unless you yourself has suffered a loss.  Dan and I have so many ideas running through our minds as far as impactful projects for our community.  But to be absolutely honest, as long as we are touching the life of one perinatal loss family in some small way, I will consider my job a success.  It is so easy to feel lost and alone after losing a child, no matter how long that child was present in your life.  To give the gift of companionship to others is well worth this journey.  05/23/2017

DARE:  Tap into your creative birthing energy.  Have you always wanted to paint a canvas, throw a pottery bowl, write a poem, start a business, rearrange your living room, or sing in front of an audience – but you’ve held back for some reason? Take the first step.

-DAY 8:  CONFIDENCE OVER CONFORMITY

TRUTH:  What does your name mean? Hit up Google to discover the attributes spoken over you via your given name.  • How many people with the first names Charmel & Emilia have been born in the United States? Charmel – From 1880 to 2015, the Social Security Administration has recorded 214 babies born with the first name Charmel in the United States. That’s more than enough people named Charmel to occupy the territory of Pitcairn Islands (United Kingdom) with an estimated population of 66 (as of July 1, 2008).  Emilia – 25,241 babies born with the first name Emilia in the United States. That’s more than enough people named Emilia to occupy the territory of British Virgin Islands (United Kingdom) with an estimated population of 24,000 (as of July 1, 2012).

Meaning, Origin, Inspirations, and Associations – noun Char”mel – A fruitful field. – Etymology: Heb.  The name “Emilia” is of Latin origin, and it means “To Strive or Excel or Rival”. It’s a name commonly given to girls, a rare latinzied variant of Emily.  1. Tropical African herbs Synonyms: genus emilia  2. (historical) A region of Italy, approximately coterminous with modern Emilia-Romagna.  Celebrities – Emilia Fox, Emilia Attias, Emilia Rydberg, Emília Vásáryová, Emilia Bechrakis, Emilia Bechrakis Lawyer, Emilia Cirker, Emilia Romagna, and Emilia Clarke

What do the names Charmel & Emilia mean?

C is for confident, no doubts here!                                                       E is for extra, those little things you do!

H is for hope, the encouragement you give.                                     M is for marvelous, which is how others see you

A is for admirers and all that you have!                                            I is for immense, are your great qualities

R is for responsible, honoring your obligations                               L is for luxury, the luxury of your smile.

M is for mirth, your laughter.                                                                   I is for igniting the fire in you!

E is for enthusiasm, in even the most dire circumstances          A is for able, for you surely are.

L is for Lucky  05/24/2017

DARE:  Commit to not complain about anything for 24 hours.

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