-DAY 21:  FAILING GLORIOUSLY

TRUTH:  What are you afraid of? If you weren’t afraid of these things, how would your life be different? Ask any stillbirth mother and I think most of our answers would be very similar.  I fear that Emilia will be forgotten.  I know I never will and I know Dan will never forget her, but I’m afraid everyone else will.  I don’t want to live in a world where nobody remembers my daughter.  That is one of the biggest reasons we created Emilia’s Wings, to keep her memory alive.  If it were up to me, I would plaster her name everywhere.  Don’t believe me? Stop by my house and you will see that every single room has at least one something that represents Emilia.  Something that reminds us of her and how she is still our daughter.  My life will never be different as I will always have this fear.  You see, there is no life that would be any different than unless Emilia would have never died, to begin with.  I will never live a day in my life where I will not fear this possibility.  06/06/2017

DARE:  Let someone off the hook for a mistake they made.

-DAY 22:  BANISHING GHOSTS

TRUTH:  What is the best smell in the whole world? What is a nostalgic smell for you? The best smell in the entire world is Johnson’s Baby Lotion.  Newborns, in general, have very fragile skin – stillborns even more so.  Hospital staff will lather stillborn babies in lotion to coat and help protect the baby’s skin.  You know how every newborn has that new baby scent and how they smell so good? That was my Emilia.  She smelled incredible! When we were preparing to leave the hospital, our main nurse gave us a bottle of Johnson’s Baby Lotion.  The gift was a way for us to feel reconnected with Emilia.  Whenever I’m having a hard time, I lather myself in lotion and I am reminded of my beautiful Emilia.  It is so nostalgic.  Those first few weeks after coming home from the hospital, Dan and I would grab anything that still smelled of her and would embrace and relish in her scent.  When the item would start to lose its special smell, we would grab our lotion bottle and lather it again in more Johnson & Johnson.  It’s interesting how we rely on our five senses to comfort us in hard times.  I hope other families have special items or rituals that help them get through their hard times, just as we do.  06/07/2017

DARE:  Organize your closet.  Get rid of any clothing that makes you feel terrible about yourself.

-DAY 23:  CAMPFIRES AND CONFESSIONALS

TRUTH:  When did you last push the boundaries of your comfort zone? I am pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone right now.  I usually would not publicly post such personal moments from my life, however, I am taken back by the lack of support our community provides families who are grieving the loss of a child.  Death is an avoided topic of conversation, the death of a child is even more taboo.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone to break down that barrier.  I am breaking the silence regarding pregnancy and infant loss and showing the world that every life matters.  Emilia’s life matters.  I try my best to document true emotions… feelings that are authentic.  My hopes are that someone, perhaps another parent walking a similar journey or even someone with a vastly different story, can walk away after reading my blogs feeling comforted and understood.  I will continue to push the boundaries of my comfort zone in order to be an advocate for my daughter and other families grieving the loss of a child.  It’s okay to show your grief… “Grief doesn’t have to hide; it can sing with the other birds… sometimes it sings more beautifully than the rest.”  06/08/2017

DARE:  Go to confession even if you aren’t Catholic.  Or find something you trust and say out loud the thing that haunts you.

-DAY 24:  HEARING

TRUTH:  What distracts you most from being present in your life? Grief.  Grief distracts me the most from being present in my life.  I read an analogy a couple months back that explained my grief process perfectly.  To summarize… grief is like putting together a huge, complex puzzle.  While you are making great progress, the puzzle gets thrown up into the air and pieces fly everywhere.  You gather and pick up all the pieces and begin to finish the puzzle again, but repeatedly, it is thrown back up into the air.  At the time you feel like you will never finish the puzzle.  However, you begin to realize that every time you restart the puzzle it gets a little bit easier.  I have been told that grief comes in stages.  This may be true for some people, but this is definitely not the case for me.  Grief is a rollercoaster.  It has no rules.  Grief jumps back and forth across the spectrum of emotions all on a daily basis.  I will go a long stretch feeling like I have accepted the pain.  When I finally seem close to feeling human again, grief will close in on me and my emotions are thrown back up into the air.  I am now back at square one, but I realize the journey to healing isn’t nearly as hard as it was previously.  I’ve walked this road before, multiple times, and each time the journey gets a little bit easier.  06/09/2017

DARE:  Start a prank war with another family.

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